It is generally understood in Neurobiology, Energy medicine, and Inner Traditions of the East and West that we have 3 major energy centers (or nerve plexi): the brain, the heart, and the belly.  In the modern globalized world, we don’t often get very far past the brain. In fact, when we have problems our first reaction is generally to try to figure them out or “problem-solve” our way out of them. It is not until the problems get continually frustrating and painful that we begin to tap into the resources of the heart and the belly. The resources of Mindfulness and Positive Discipline can help us do that in our interactions with others, and our selves.

Let’s start our journey with a dip into present teenage culture and health. An interesting article was published recently by CNN.com called, “The Kids Truly Are All Right”, with promising data from studies done by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention as well as the National Center for Health Statistics. The data points toward a downward shift in very important categories such as teen pregnancy, high school drinking, and suicide. The American adolescent population as a whole is improving its health in these important areas.

So while overall teen health is improving according to this study, why is it so hard to find an adolescent therapist? At least in Seattle, most practitioners are in high demand. Maybe the fact that families and teens are utilizing counselors more readily is one factor affecting these numbers. I recently learned of a great wilderness program for teens and young adults having serious difficulties, where the standard tuition is over $400 dollars a day (near the common per credit cost at many public universities) with the average stay being around 21 days. This is in fact an effective and popular program, costing parents over $10,000 if their child responds to the program in just 3 weeks, with ongoing care after their teen returns home.

These are effective treatments and programs that adolescents and young adults have great things to say after their experience. I don’t bring up the details to say that this is ludicrous or unnecessary, but to point out that the existence of such demand points to something other than the improvement of overall adolescent health. There is an undercurrent here of the adolescent population needing something new from our society, their families, and themselves. My approach to this situation is that what is needed aren’t more strict punishments, but rather better connection between family members, and in ourselves.

Not to say that there is an easy solution to such a widespread challenge, but I think that we are seeing a demand for a grassroots shift away from a punishment oriented model of social organization. What are we moving toward? This is one reason why I love Positive Discipline (I’ll use PD for brevity’s sake).  ven though I’ve worked with youth and families for years, am a licensed psychotherapist, and a Certified PD Parent Educator, PD encourages facilitators such as myself to lead experiential learning activities to help participants generate their own insights and direction. By not sitting back in the expert role and handing out pre-fabricated solutions, PD facilitators are able to help parents, adolescents, and our selves find insights and understandings that better fit the various unique situations. We all learn together. Often the greatest learning isn’t even the new tools for behavior response that parents take away, but a shift toward better understanding of themselves and their children.

One thing that I hear often is that most parents have “tried it all”.  I believe people when they say this, because they are talking about years of experience and the feeling of frustration at not finding a sustainable solution. Why does this problem keep coming back? This resonates with my own experiences of arthritis. At the same time, what I take that to mean is that people have tried many ways of problem solving and attempted to use others’ solutions to solve their personal difficulties. Often this approach leaves us in the “brain only” space of trying to fit a square peg in a round whole. Have you done the diet? Did you get the video? You’ve got to try this “new” model of parenting! I realize what I am saying sounds quite similar, but both PD and mindfulness are not technical fixes, they are about adaptation.

Although it is not often explicitly labeled as mindfulness in PD, we are asked to bring our full attention to our sensations, emotions, and thoughts in each situation. One of the most helpful tools, the Mistaken Beliefs and Goals Chart, helps us find out which common child/adult pattern we may be stuck in and what might be going on for others, children or adolescents, that are stuck there with us.

The first thing we do to begin to understand the situation is to notice how we feel when a difficult situation is happening with our children, partner, or people we work with. A similar method unfolds in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (also based on Attachment Theory), where partners are asked to become explorers and unearth the data of emotions, thoughts, sensations, and behaviors from their difficult and repetitive patterns of interaction. This exploration is the beginning of moving from being stuck in the brain center to including the heart. The heart center is characterized by spaciousness and capacity, and is a good “meeting place” for the multitudes of messages we are receiving. With this expanded capacity, we can take in new perspectives.

The first act of mindfulness in finding solutions with PD, is noticing that a situation has reached the boiling point, a threshold that once crossed we can’t tolerate the situation as is anymore. The bottom line is that our discomfort, and the energy that we spend trying to avoid, ignore, or defeat our discomfort has got to a place where it feels like we can no longer manage it alone. So this point can vary, as it is based upon personal choice, much like the idea of pain thresholds. It is the same as deciding that we need to go the doctor or the dentist, something hurts and we’d like to feel better. Again we have to go against the grain of our tendencies to fight, or ignore our discomfort, and begin to get more data about what is going on.

But there are some hurdles here as well. Often we are unsure about where to turn, and there is still a stigma against seeking help, whether it is individual counseling, family therapy, or Positive Discipline Coaching. Hopefully a friend or family member has had a good experience with something they found effective, or a trusted doctor can recommend a professional or support group that they are aware of. Even if we aren’t asking for professional help, there are ways that we can become more mindful of the present patterns and influence change. Parent support groups, Changes, the Adlerian Society, or Sound Discipline here in Seattle can be a great place to start your search.

As Gandhi said, “be the change you wish to see”, and we are the ground of change in our family and social systems. Whether we choose to act personally, as a family, or in society, our choices ripple out and are often felt soon by others. This approach is noticeably different from the Punishment Model, in that we are “starting where we are”, as Pema Chodron says. Rather than trying to change others, we begin changing the atmosphere of our interactions by bringing mindfulness to them. Ironically, mindfulness is what helps us bring our hearts into the picture. Even though we are letting go of striving toward change, in this small shift, we can begin to see others soften as well. It is a paradox often found in healing: as we ease up, things naturally shift.

This is a huge change in the battles that are waged between adults and adolescents. Even though it is subtle, when we downshift out of habitual Punishment Mode, we start opening up to what is going on for the other person. We hear so much that children are “attention seeking”, and they are, but desiring the attention and care of others is natural and human, not a disorder. It can be annoying and infuriating, but with some practice we can move away from the fixation to fix, and begin to notice how others change in response. As we practice the shift from Punishment to Mindfulness, we need the support of others as well. There are many hurdles on this path, and there is always the strong pull of the way things used to be calling to us.

Punishment can be seductive because it is often effective in the short term. Behaviors get changed with threats or rewards.  But when one person is punishing another, what is going on? Often the punisher feels angry that a boundary has been violated, or a rule broken, they might feel a little scared of losing control, and often when we are in this position we feel bad about ourselves for “being mean”. On the other side, one who is being punished generally feels misunderstood, judges that they must be bad because they made someone angry or sad, or they might even feel some righteous anger too.

With all of these negative feelings going on, how do we expect any learning to sink in?  How is anything going to change when we are holding on so tight? When we have “flipped our lids”, as we all do when we are triggered, analysis of neuron firing shows that the back of our brain, the fight or flight amygdala is running the show, with little or no input from our neocortex which controls clear thinking. This is why we need to begin to bring our heart into the interaction, as well as getting our ability to think clearly back on line. Because acting on strong emotions, fueled by endorphins released when we feel threatened is how we end up in the same old jams.

Contrary to our habitual impulse, what is often needed in these cases is de-escalation, taking a “positive time out”. A positive time out is one where we can do something that helps us feel good again, something that helps us get off the negative track of feeling threatened and scared. I find running, push ups, tai chi, and other active time outs help me get back in balance the best. Many studies show that these active approaches can help kids better than sitting mindfulness activities or intellectual reasoning. Once we have “gotten our lids back on”, we can have a productive interaction where understanding, reconciliation, and learning can happen again.

The spectrum from Punishment to Mindfulness is not a clear cut dichotomy, and it takes concerted effort to learn new ways of being. Often we tend to punish ourselves for being oriented toward punishment, just as we judge ourselves for thinking during meditation, yoga, or tai chi. I encourage you to cut yourself some slack, and as you relax, just notice what is happening for you.

With the basis of this kindness to ourselves, we bring our heart into the picture, letting go of the urge to solve the problem immediately; we are ready to work on the firmness aspect of PD. Building this structure and foundation is how we begin bringing the belly center in, thus integrating all of our resources. When you’ve gathered all the data you need, and the time is right, you will be well prepared to co-create change!  It is a process of bringing in the kindness and capacity of the heart, and involving the firm foundation of the belly center, that helps us cultivate clear thinking and relationships. I look forward to diving into how having clear and firm boundaries can be a mindfulness practice and support to our ability to be kind in the next article.